The recent “2 Minutes… on saying No after you’ve said Yes“ post started an interesting conversation. As we talked, we decided that, perhaps, the more important question isn’t how to back out of something we say “yes” to, but WHY we said “Yes” in the first place, resulting in a situation that left us feeling trapped. It might have been a one-time event, caused by unexpected issues outside our control. If this is part of an repeating pattern, though, this may point toward a problem with co-dependency.
Looking at the reasons why you did can better help you understand what is going on. With that goal in mind, I’ll add two more items to the list in the other article:
Determine why you want to back out. It’s easy in life to fall into one of two extremes: sticking with a commitment regardless of the cost to us and those around us; or, walking away at the first sign of difficulty. Healthy relationships require that we take the more difficult path down the middle. Working through the reasons for WHY to back out can help you make sure that you’re being healthy in your choices, both now and in the future.
Determine why you said “yes”. Am I saying “yes” in a circumstance that I may need to back out of later because I’m longing for approval? Is the relationship unhealthy, so the other person has unreasonable power to affect my choice? Am I not considering the consequences of my decisions before I make them? Examining HOW we make decisions can help us make better choices in the future and can help us see problems in our life that we may have been denying, such as co-dependency.
If you struggle with co-dependency and over-committing, you may have said “yes” to try to feel better, to feel that sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” As reality sets in, you may now feel helpless and that you have no choice, unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes this situation to repeat.
If co-dependency is an issue, your Celebrate Recovery® group can be a powerful tool to help you find your path to recovery. Consider joining into a Step Study to understand the hurts, habits, and hang-ups that contribute to your struggle. Talk with your CR Sponsor to about ways to build in safe, healthy boundaries into your relationships. We are here to help!
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